I know people don’t come to my blog for political opinions. The joy of stories is they take us out of our reality; however, there is something to be said for how we tell our own stories, and how we seek God in them.
And reader, I’m looking for God in the actions and attitudes of pro-lifers. I don’t see it.
Oh, they talk about God. But their words about God do not reflect His mercy and compassion – and neither are their actions.
For example, I went to church on Sunday and the pastor talked about praising God for the Supreme Court’s decision, and how we need to pray for protection/courage for the justices, protection for crisis pregnancy centers, and that we can lead the nation well.
Those are fine things to pray for. You know what’s better? To pray that we can comfort the angry and frightened women who this law effects. To pray that we could continue to fight for a better life for born babies. To pray that we will stay humble in our “victory.”
But that’s not what we prayed for. Unfortunately, I don’t think my church is unique in that.
Neither Side Has it Right
I grew up evangelical. I believe a baby is a baby from the earliest days in the womb. I do not identify as pro-life.
I am a middle-class, white woman. I know my body has been regulated without my consent and sometimes knowledge by institutions. I face many risks in childbirth (especially in this country). I hear the heartache of my sisters, who are afraid of the financial, psychological, and emotional tolls having a child entails. I am not pro-choice.
I am pro-mother, a side neither takes into consideration. Pro-life claims to; but it fails. The church is not capable – either through tradition or through lack of resources – of seeing to all the needs a mother has. Pro-choice is a step closer, as they are definitely pro-woman, and in general support government providing the resources a mother needs.
But neither intentionally focuses on the needs of mothers after birth.
How can you say you’re fighting for babies without fighting for their mothers, too? How can you say a woman has a choice without making sure women who choose life have access to what they need?
And no, Christians, our charities aren’t enough. Let me tell you why…
My Story
I talked about my birth story several years ago, but I never shared my post-partum story. It was too painful somehow. As if I feared no one would believe me or understand. Or worse, they wouldn’t care.
My story is not extreme. I grew up in privilege. I do not – and should not – qualify for charities. I know this. But my story shows the cracks in our system – cracks that prove no one is actually fighting for mothers.
System Failure #1: Post-Partum Mental Health
I got my first post-partum cycle three months after my first child was born, despite nursing on demand. This isn’t normal – most women don’t get their first cycle until they stop nursing, which is often when the child is a year.
Why is that important? Because it set off a wave of conflicting hormones. Some hormones wanted to continue producing milk. Other hormones wanted to stop and get ready for another baby.
I fell into an undiagnosed post-partum depression. In fact, I wouldn’t be “diagnosed” until I was talking to my OB in the middle of my second pregnancy. I figured out the signs pretty quickly and put up some safe-guards.
But I still felt off.
Did I reach out for help? No. Getting coverage for therapy can be a bit dodgy. I did tentatively seek out my friends, but they failed to reach back out to me. We weren’t plugged into the church we were attending, so I didn’t reach out to them; besides, I’d only be able to talk to a guy, and I didn’t want to do that.
System Failure #2: Cost
I found out I was pregnant two weeks after quarantine began. I had just been getting out of the fog of my first-post partum depression and still didn’t feel like me. We really didn’t have the money for a second baby. And the world had just become a little scarier with Covid.
I’m not saying I would have aborted my child – that thought never crossed my mind. But I did think, “This is why people see abortion as a viable choice. They’re scared.”
But then Andrew was laid off amid cut-downs due to Covid. I was 15 weeks pregnant, looking at a future with no health care for my then 10 month old baby and my unborn child. For those of you who don’t know, there are a LOT of doctor’s visits for children under one and mothers to be. To say I was afraid doesn’t begin to describe the gut-wrenching, heart-stopping panic I’d feel in the middle of the night. Again, I thought, “This is why people see abortion as a viable choice. They’re terrified.”
God took care of us. About 5 weeks later, Andrew got his dream job. But it came at a cost. Before, we were paying about $200 a month for health care; now we were paying $1,500. That’s a bit high, but it’s by no means abnormal. And we were still paying a ton for labs and bloodwork out of pocket.
And then the baby came! And the bills. For our first child, we paid $300. That’s it. I’m not joking. For our second, we are in the process of paying $6,000. The latter is much more normal. We will be paying off our son until he is about 3 years old. (And even then, the hospitals make it very difficult for you to figure out how to do a payment plan. Don’t let them fool you – you can.)
It would have been cheaper for me to have received a late-term abortion than it was for me to actually have the baby.
Numbers like that are not pro-life. Numbers like that do not encourage choice. That’s absurd. It’s criminal. It’s a monumental failure of the system.
System Failure #3: Post-Partum Help
If all of that wasn’t enough, let’s transition to my post-partum care. After I’ve chosen life, how was I supported?
I wasn’t.
Both of my kids were c-sections, which is considered a major abdominal surgery. You’re not supposed to lift anything heavier than the baby for 6 weeks. If you do, you risk tearing your stitches (which leads to infection), both internal and external. You need someone with you the entire time, especially if you have older children.
My husband was able to use sick leave for parental leave after our first child. He had four weeks saved, and worked from home for an extra two. After our second child, he was given 2 weeks parental leave (which is considered good) and could have used sick leave – but he didn’t have any, because he had a new job. I needed help for 4 extra weeks.
My mom applied for FMLA (Family Medical Leave Act) through her job. We jumped through all the hoops. My doctor filled out all the paperwork to show why it was vital.
It was denied.
Why? Because c-sections are normal.
…Just because they are normal, doesn’t mean the woman doesn’t need help.
Furthermore, mothers recovering form c-sections are not the only ones who need help. Mothers who give birth vaginally are also in pain because of stitches; some can’t even sit, it’s so painful.
Where is our help? We need it – we’re crying out for it. And no one hears us. No one supports us after the baby. Oh, sure there are services you can pay for – like post-partum doulas, nannies, etc. But we couldn’t have afforded that. It was hard enough having the money for formula and diapers for two.
System Failure #1 (Again): Post-Partum Mental Health
My cycle began early with the second baby, too. I immediately went on the pill because we 1) didn’t have money for another surprise baby, 2) weren’t emotionally ready for another surprise baby, and 3) I didn’t want to tailspin into another post-partum depression.
I took precautions to guard my mental-health through the means available. Which was free birth-control and making sure I had time to myself.
But that is a luxury not all moms have. And some moms have it worse than I did.
No one is helping us after the baby is born, either physically or emotionally. And it’s probably the biggest system failure there is.
Seeking God
I know the picture I painted above was rather drab. But God was there, and He was there powerfully.
God provided a job when we needed it most. He provided insurance that allowed me to stay with my doctor. He provided enough family members in the area so I could have someone with me every day of those six weeks after my c-section. He provided the monthly child tax credit – and honestly, we ONLY got by financially because of this.
God provided for us. Our faith in God was strengthened.
But how can Christians ask that of mothers without faith? We can’t. Not unless we show that we’re caring for their needs.
How can we do that?
I’d love to say the church can do this through charity. Don’t get me wrong, we can try. But meal trains can only go so far. Maybe if there was a ministry that paired empty-nesters with new moms, who could just sit and talk with the mom and help her do regular household tasks. Maybe if there was a ministry that specifically got formula and diapers for a period of time for families. Maybe if there was a ministry that offered to pay hospital bills that were over $1,000.
Maybe. But I’ve also worked in churches. I know how those types of systems get taken advantage of and abused. Those are nice things, and some are doable. But I do understand that isn’t practical.
For better or for worse, we live in a culture where legislation is the key. Pro-Lifers and pro-choicers both need to put their money where their mouth is. If you want people to be able to choose, if you want people to feel free to choose life, then support policies and politicians that will help mothers thrive emotionally, psychologically, and physically after birth.
We need to all become pro-mother.
This is not something radical. It’s common love for others, specifically mothers. We’ve been forgotten. It’s time to rectify that.
