Grace Based Discipline really is AMAZING! I’m literally gushing over this book. I cannot recommend it enough! If you’re looking for a book that helps you connect discipline with the gospel, this is it!
Book: Grace Based Discipline
Author: Karis Kimmel Murray
Description: The book describes a discipline philosophy based off of her father’s book, Grace Based Parenting.
Myrmigrade: 
Overall Thoughts
Karis Kimmel Murray is funny, practical, and down to earth. She doesn’t hide that she struggles with all the things normal parents do – like blowing up, getting annoyed, and not knowing what to do. I loved her writing style, her philosophy, and the tools she shared!
This is going to sound too good to be true, but I literally saw a change in my behavior the first week. This is mostly due to the very first parenting “trick” in her book: visualizing a basket. In the heat of the moment, envision putting your child’s annoying/naughty/bothersome behavior in a basket, thus separating it from the child. Then, you can better respond (rather than react) with the child’s heart in mind.
This was SO invaluable. I have two toddlers, and it is so hard to keep on top of my own behavior, when they push buttons I didn’t know I had. The basket method is literally magic.
The other thing I really love is how grace-saturated it is. It’s saturated, but not awkward, which is sometimes hard to accomplish. She talks grace for us parents. Grace for the kids. Grace for us parents again…Grace, grace, grace. It truly reflects the heart of Christ, which in turn makes implementing the tools so much easier – because you see Him in them.
Overview
The first portion of the book revolves around understanding what our kids need. Her premise is this: kids need 1) secure love, 2) significant purpose, and 3) a strong hope in Jesus. In order to foster those things, each kid needs 1) the freedom to be candid, 2) the freedom to be vulnerable, 3) the freedom to be different, and 4) the freedom to make mistakes. How each kid expresses those things depends on their personality. (She calls them personality “countries,” but that’s too much to go into for a review.)[1]
With the foundation of this understanding, she goes into how to effectively discipline. She has tips for age groups that are derived from psychology, which are incredibly helpful. She gives thoughtful tools, but never tells you exactly how to use them. After all, the makeup of your child (their “country”) determines how you use discipline to achieve the seven-fold goals listed above. (I will say, the one “complaint” I have is seven things is a LOT to remember lol.)
I also really appreciated her stance on spanking – spoiler, she doesn’t care.[2] She personally used it, but she concedes there are valid reasons to not use it. This is EXACTLY the stance a writer of this type of book should have, and I felt I trusted her so much more because of it. (I read another Christian parenting book that was NOT neutral, and it was incredibly offensive. I won’t mention the title, because I’d invariably go into a rant, but I will say their tactics were borderline emotionally/psychologically abusive.)
Results
Obviously, I still struggle with losing my temper and yelling. I’m sure the author does, too. What parent doesn’t? But the tools in this book revolutionized my home.
My kids are a little young to determine what “country” they belong in, but I now know mine. Knowing that – and knowing I’m an introvert – helped me realize when it wasn’t necessarily them, but probably me. Invariably, when I hadn’t gotten a lot of introvert time, the kids were more clingy and more demanding – or at least they seemed that way.
I realized they might be feeling a little insecure in my love for them, and thus trying to get more attention. By making sure I made more time for myself, I’ve been able to give them more attention. This has stopped a lot of the behavior that was setting me off. (She didn’t mention the introvert thing, that’s just something I put together. For some reason, no one talks about making sure you’re taking time for your mental health in parenting books…)
All in all, this was such a fantastic book. I highly recommend it, and will probably read it several times over my parenting journey!
Notes
[1] Murray, Karis Kimmel. “Chapter 2: Understand Yourself and Your Kids,” Grace Based Discipline. Family Matters Press, 2017, 29-43.
[2] Grace Based Discipline, “Appendix B: To Spank or Not to Spank?”, 192.
