In a previous post, I wrote about my post-partum depression and the chaos 2020 threw my family into. What I didn’t say is the crucible of 2020 led to a journey of deconstruction of some of my long held beliefs. I didn’t understand why other evangelicals weren’t seeing what I was seeing. Where was the empathy? Why was pain being met with hardened hearts and anger?
Interestingly, many other young evangelicals also began to question the same things. Separately, and yet together, we began a journey of deconstruction.
What is Deconstruction?
Like everything in our current society, deconstruction means different things to different people. For me, it means unpacking the evangelical beliefs I grew up with and held close through college and the first few years of marriage. It means analyzing evangelical teachings and doctrines through the lens of the Bible.* It means asking, “Does this really show others the true nature of God’s heart?”
Like the flowers in the picture I used for this series, God’s love shows through the cracks of evangelical doctrine, just as it does for all denominations. No denomination ever has or ever will get it perfect. But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try. We need to see the error of our ways and change them to be more in line with God’s heart.
Just so we’re clear, I will get aspects wrong, too. That’s why I’ve called it a journey through deconstruction; it’s an ongoing process for me, and I’m not sure it will ever end. And I think that’s a good thing.
But my goal was – and is – to seek the truth of God’s heart.
And where do you find that?
Well…I figured I’d start with the man after God’s heart: David.
My Journey Through the Samuels and Kings
To say I “grappled” with God during the study of David’s life is an understatement. It felt like a spiritual wrestling match with God (Gen. 32:22-32).
Because I am a woman wounded by evangelical doctrines, my biggest questions revolved around that. God, how could you choose a man who treated women so poorly? He treated Michal like property (2 Sam. 3:13-16), took advantage of Bathsheba (2 Sam. 11), refused to give justice to Tamar (2 Sam. 13), cared about his things more than the safety of his concubines (2 Sam. 15:16, 16:20-22), and used Abishag as a bedwarmer (1 Kings 1:1-4). If he’s a man after Your heart, is that Your heart for women? Did David do the right thing???
In short, no. I could go into a lot of details. I wrestled with it, remember. But when I started out on this journey, I clung to the belief that my God is a God who cares about the oppressed, Who despises abuse of every sort, and Who speaks for those who cannot speak for themselves.
Like Jacob, I wouldn’t let go until I knew His blessing was secure. I still have questions. I probably always will. But I wrestled long enough to find peace.
I’m learning more and more about God’s heart. I’ll never fully know it, but I’m getting closer. And my deconstruction journey has helped me reach it.
I’ve worked through much of the pain; now I need to work toward discovering the truth. Since I tend to think better when I write, I thought maybe I should write about it. And because I know others are also struggling, I thought I’d share it, too.
The Journey Forward
At the beginning of the year I planned out books I’d read regarding the deconstruction of evangelical beliefs. I already have a review series, so when I felt God’s promptings to blog about my journey, it was an easy segue to make: reviews alongside my deconstruction thoughts.
And I have lots of thoughts.
I want to say, I still go to an evangelical church. I still largely agree with most evangelical doctrine. But I’m no longer swallowing their propaganda; I’m thinking for myself.
But above all else, I’m seeking the heart of God. I’m convinced that evangelicals have missed it along the way. Otherwise, we would not be in our current political and social situation.
All of this is to say: if you are staunchly evangelical, my posts will probably make you angry.
So don’t read them.
I’m serious. If you’re going to get riled up, it’s not worth it. Besides, these words aren’t meant for you.
My words are meant for those who have lost their faith. For those who are seeking. For those who are deconstructing alongside me.
My words are also for those who want to listen. This “deconstruction” movement is occurring because of the deep-rooted pain a large swath of us experienced in evangelical churches. If you want to break the cycle, then you have to listen so you can work towards fixing it. You may not agree with some of my points, but at least you can understand the pain.
Remember, I am Flawed
I want you to know that I’m learning to use my voice. I have been silenced by the churches I have attended because I am a woman, sometimes subtly and sometimes obviously. I may speak “too loudly” in some posts. I’m sorry for that. I’m learning how to speak respectfully while navigating triggers of my own.
I also want to say that I’m trying to approach this with a purity of heart. It’s not easy. Being deeply hurt can sometimes lead to a strange form of self-righteousness. And honestly, I’m still angry. I’ve worked through a lot of it, but it still pops up. I will try not to write out of anger, but it might spill onto the page and color the truth I am seeking. I will be praying it doesn’t.
But my deepest prayer is that my life and my words will show the accuracy of God’s loving heart. Anything less just won’t satisfy.
* This should go without saying, but I understand that some people use “deconstruction” to mean dismantling their beliefs in the Bible. I want to be clear: I’m not doing that.
