Dan Stringer’s Struggling with Evangelicalism: Why I Want to Leave and What it Takes to Stay seemed an excellent third book to deconstruct with. I wanted to have an overview of the Evangelical faith before I delved into the real reason I began my deconstruction journey (which is complementarianism[1]).
This book definitely helped me cultivate an awareness of Evangelicalism as a whole, as well as illuminated some things about myself. However, I also realized that secretly I was hoping this book would tell me why I should stay in my conservative Evangelical “home.” It didn’t. Instead, this book opened my eyes to the less popular, less vocal, and less conservative evangelical world. Although it wasn’t what I thought it’d be, this book was still immensely helpful in my journey to understanding my faith, my options, and where I want to go from here.
Dan Stringer broke his book into four major parts: Awareness, Appreciation, Repentance, and Renewal. I’ll stick to that outline and unpack what God taught me through this book. I hope it facilitates you on your journey, and that you’d also be able to delve thoughtfully into why/if you want to leave Evangelicalism behind.
Awareness
One of Stringer’s first endeavors is to help evangelicals develop their “faith stream awareness,” which is “the capacity to locate oneself as part of a particular stream or tradition within the broader Christian faith.”[2] He spends a great deal of time talking about evangelicals world-wide and statistics; but most importantly, he showed that there are two strands of American Evangelicalism: conservative and moderate. (I hesitate to say “liberal” because of the political connotations.)
This is vital; I wasn’t even aware of this less conservative Evangelical movement in America. Apparently, there are whole denominations of this branch, such as the Evangelical Free Church and the Evangelical Covenant Church.[3] I learned about the Missio Alliance, which is an alternative to “complementarian networks like The Gospel Coalition and the Acts 29 Network.”[4] Calvinism isn’t really a sticking point for me, but apparently there are interpreters that differ from Piper.[5]
Most importantly, I realized this book was not going to do what I had hoped. How could it? Dan Stringer is not part of the conservative Evangelical faith stream. He’s part of the more moderate stream – which, as I said, I wasn’t even aware existed until I read this book.
My Awareness
I live in the Bible belt. Most evangelical churches are SBC or other conservative evangelical churches –ones who adhere to John Piper and John MacArthur as the official interpreters of the Bible. As ridiculous as it sounds, I didn’t know it was possible to be an evangelical and reject those tenants. (Interestingly, Stringer mentions “celebrity dependence” – relying on celebrity pastors in matters of interpretation – as a problem with Evangelicalism.[6])
I felt like I was reading about a completely new faith – and really, I was. A new faith stream, as it were.
Now, I still contend that conservative evangelicals have a monopoly on the market, as Du Mez chronicled throughout Jesus and John Wayne. But that doesn’t mean that’s all there is, and it gave me some hope that I might find a home in the faith I’ve grown up in.
What’s more, I learned my parents came to faith in an Evangelical Free Church while in Europe. When we moved back to the states, my parents weren’t able to find that denomination in our area. They settled on other evangelical churches, not realizing how strictly conservative they’d end up becoming.
Yes, my awareness was definitely broadened by reading this, and it was very much a good thing.
Appreciation
Stringer’s next section is on appreciation – looking for the good in order to help understand the bad. He uses the example of how he is both thoughtful and a perfectionist, and how the two are really two sides of the same coin.[7]
This was really hard for me to do. I’m too close – the pain is still too raw. Stringer acknowledges this saying, “appreciation might be the most difficult to cultivate, especially if you carry significant baggage from negative experiences in church,” and, “if evangelicalism has done nothing but cause pain and confusion in your life, I don’t want to excuse this in any way by promoting a search for something that isn’t there.”[8]
But I want to really go through this process. So, I will try. The only problem is, I’m quick to point out the downsides of what I appreciate, and I’m not sure the good overcomes the bad. I do, however, have faith that one day I will make peace with it and see it as good for God’s glory.
My Appreciation
One thing I love about Evangelicalism is the emphasis on having a personal relationship with Jesus, which Stringer marks as a hallmark of the Evangelical faith.[9]
The downside is, if a person doesn’t “feel” close to Jesus, they often think they’re doing something wrong.
Another thing I really appreciate is the love for scripture and the desire to be accurate in following God’s word, which is apparently a very Evangelical thing to want.[10] It means we really dig into the Hebrew and Greek, and the scholar in me LOVES that. I think this knowledge lays a really strong foundation for faith, and I’m grateful for all of my head knowledge that supports my heart knowledge.
But there are two major downsides of this. First, it can make the faith more academic than spiritual. Second, it makes us into rule following Pharisees because we know so much. In both instances, it diminishes our love for Jesus, relegating it to a more esoteric and logical experience rather than a radical love for Jesus. Faith isn’t logical. It shouldn’t be esoteric. It should be vital and real and alive. Which makes me wonder – is knowledge really such a great foundation anyway?
My Faith and My OCD
The two aspects I appreciate have major downsides in my opinion. However, I understand that I have a disadvantage that many do not: my OCD.
One of the many variants of OCD is “Scrupulosity OCD” (yes, there are many types). Scrupulosity OCD is characterized by intrusive thoughts related to doing what’s right – either by society’s standards or by one’s faith standards.
My OCD impacts me in both of the above examples. First, if I don’t feel close to Jesus, I obsess over every little thing in my life to see if it’s a sin that is keeping me from being close to Jesus. Sometimes it has been “real” – like I should spend more time in my Bible. Sometimes it’s been bizarre – like taking down the cute fairy pictures hanging on my wall because they are magical, and the Bible forbids magic.
For the second one – loving the scriptures and wanting to interpret them correctly – there is a far deeper fear that my Scrupulosity OCD preys upon: what if I get it wrong and sin against God? Or worse, lead others astray?
When I see those questions in black and white, they seem almost tame. But I literally can’t even type those words without bursting into tears. It is a deep seated, visceral fear. The question plays over and over in my mind and I go through my “compulsions” to try and make myself feel better – reassuring myself, asking Andrew for reassurance, and doing research to see if I’m right.
Where Do I Go From Here?
The thing is, I’m not sure whether we have a nature or a nurture issue here. Naturally, I have intrusive thoughts that cause anxiety. On the other hand, there is the nurture, where conservative evangelical doctrine taught strict, literal adherence to everything the Bible said.
In reality, it’s probably both – I heard the strict rules, wanted to obey, and began obsessing over what was sin and what wasn’t. Maybe Conservative Evangelicalism is good for some, but toxic for me because of the way my brain is wired. That is a hopeful thought, and helps me have grace towards people who are still in conservative churches – people I feel have tacitly supported the toxicity, and yet are still dear to me.
However, not everyone who is deconstructing has OCD. So it can’t entirely be that.
I’m not really sure where to go from here – a recurring theme for this book. However, I’m grateful for developing an awareness of how God still works despite a denomination’s sin, as well as the knowledge that I *might* have other options available to me in the Evangelical line of faith.
Notes
[1] Complementarianism: the belief that a woman’s role is different and “complimentary” to a man’s in regards to family and religious leadership; sometimes, it crosses over to beliefs on secular leadership, too. It usually goes hand-in-hand with patriarchy
[2] This was an ebook, but I’m pretty sure the page numbers are correct… Dan Stringer, Struggling with Evangelicalism: Why I Want to Leave and What It Takes to Stay (Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 2021), 46.
[3] Stringer, 64
[4] Ibid. 25
[5] Stringer, 22
[6] Ibid. 53
[7] Stringer, 60-61.
[8] Both quotes from Stringer, 73.
[9] Stringer, 51
[10] Ibid. 79
